Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Emotional me

Today I feel like expressing myself and offloading some feelings.
I AM a very emotional person, most people don't really know, and I say this as most people seem to have this completely different idea of me, its quite funny really but when I hear people talk about me its like they think I'm a totally different person, all I can say is that I must be good at hiding my true feelings or maybe my facial expressions don't match what I think.
I tell you this though if I was looking from the outside in, I would think nah this girl is really nuts!!!

Behind closed doors I will cry at any given chance, I cry over songs, movies (and I'm not talking Beaches which I would cry like a baby) I'm talking maid in Manhattan, Big, even comedy's, you name it! It may not be because I'm sad, it could be because I'm so overly HAPPY!

I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve and things people say can cut me sooo deeply, more deeply than I'll ever allow myself to show. It can also be the unsaid that sets me off, when I think you should say something and you don't, my mind will go round in circle's wondering why you didn't say anything!! Lol what can I say, I'm complicated ;)

Alicia Keys- Brand new me.  I feel like Alicia has taken these words right out of my mouth and the feelings I feel straight from my heart when she wrote these lyrics.

During the early years of my marriage with Mr M, I was unable to express or communicate my true feelings. Mr M is a very bold and out spoken character and he always had the upper hand. I can safely say I was very unhappy in the early years. If you ask him directly, this was probably the best part of our marriage(but who knows what he'll tell you).

I feel like I did everything for Mr M, I washed and ironed his clothes, cooked his dinners, learned to cooked the food he liked, made the bed the way he liked, cooked his packed lunches for work, grew the kids the way he wanted me to, cleaned the house to HIS standard, in short every thing was done the way he wanted me to without any of my own real input and without argument. On top of that he was not always a nice person and it was this way for the first 5 years of our marriage.

Anyone reading this can see as I can see clearly now, that I did not recognise my own self worth and lost myself completely in this relationship, or maybe I never really knew my self-worth from the beginning.

Mr M and I split up for a while after the first 5 years of our marriage and in that time, I passed my driving test, got a new hair cut( so cliché I was having a waiting to exhale moment!), got a degree and found MY voice.
I wasn't going to stand for no shit, from any man ever again.  Although I would not recommend doing some of the things I may of done, I will tell anyone who speaks to me or who is reading this, if you're not happy then something has to change, don't stay stagnant!

I am a totally different person in my relationship now. I can't tell you it was for the better in my relationship, as now I may be a handful and not so willing to compromise but it was for the better for ME! I found a brand new me.

I know Mr M will not like this post, but we were young when we started out, and he has now matured and is a much better man.